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My brother often tells me that random people are insulting and judging him from afar. One time, some people were whispering around him on the plane, and even months later he would still replay that instance in his head and entertain any trail of thought that could even slightly explain their behaviour. However, I believe that this is extremely destructive as the undisputed truth is the only thing that can set him free, but it is forever out of his reach and only the strangers know if they were talking about him or not.
It's fascinating how our minds work so different. If someone started whispering behind me, I probably wouldn't even notice. Maybe their throats were sore, or perhaps they’re talking about something top secret but how would I know and why would I guess when I am not apart of it. I mean, even if they were trash talking me, frankly who cares :P
My brain literally gets ragebaited everytime people believe that their baseless claims and assumptions are fact when in reality, the truth is often hard to find or basically unobtainable.
Everytime I observe something, countless interpretations can be made, however I don’t understand how some people always manage to centre themselves and stress themselves over quite possible non issues. Constantly worrying about external judgement honestly gives other people way too much importance in your life. Like aintnoway you really think you’re occupying that much space in some random person’s brain?
And I’m not saying you’re irrelevant. I’m not saying I’m irrelevant either. I’m just me. You’re just you. There isn’t some official relevance ranking where Palm Beach Pete is number one and Niasleepy is ranked 2846291st.
Everyone is naturally going to care about themselves more than they care about most random people and I don’t think that’s necessarily selfish. You’re with yourself 24 hours a day. You experience literally everything through yourself so obviously you’re going to be the centre of your own experience.
Like imagine you’re on the bus and your hair is greasy and you have dandruff and some people behind you start laughing. You might immediately think oh my god they’re laughing at me.
Maybe they are. Okay... who cares. So you have dandruff. Who has never had dandruff? Maybe my balding ex but apart from him I think we’re good.
And even if someone does judge you how long are they realistically going to care? They might think about it for five seconds and then go back to whatever is happening in their own life. I think we massively overestimate how much other people are thinking about us.
We only know so much...
That doesn’t mean people shouldn’t be held accountable for things. Obviously they should. I just think there’s a difference between acknowledging what someone did vs claiming that you know their character and intentions like a mind reader or something.
There were also a lot of things happening in my childhood that I was too young to properly understand at the time and only realised much later had affected me deeply. My mental health spiralled and for a long time my life never really felt like it was mine to live. I don’t think I need to explain every detail for it to be relevant, but I think growing up with so little control over what happened to me is a big reason I eventually became so attached to the one thing that always stayed with me, which was myself.
Everyone told me I was a really good kid. Even my mum has admitted now that she was trying to be the villain in my life since I was apparently too well liked by the grown-ups. I think maybe she thought she needed to humble me or prevent me from getting spoiled but I don’t really know.
Our relationship is good now and I love my mum, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t deeply affected. Both can be true.
I think when you grow up feeling like you don’t have much control over what happens to you, eventually you start relying on yourself more and more.
Even when everything around me changed I still had me. Even when I lost people or moved somewhere else or something bad happened I was still there.
And I think over time I became very unapologetically myself. Not in the sense that I think I can do whatever I want and nobody else matters. I just don’t want to spend my life constantly editing myself for an imaginary audience.
I don’t want to live bound to the expectations of another person because those expectations are really just based on my expectations of them... What’s the point of guessing how people will perceive you? How will you ever know what they truly think? Why does it matter if they think badly of you? You don’t have to change for anybody other than yourself... <3
Why should I change myself out of fear of being cringed at? Do I actually think what I’m doing is embarrassing or am I imagining how somebody else might react to it?
People like to come into my Twitch chat and tell me that I’m an embarrassment or cringe or ask what’s wrong with me, but they never get a reaction out of me hehe. In fact, I take it as the ultimate compliment every single time :P
If you don’t like me, somebody else will. And if nobody else likes me, I still do. I laugh at almost all of my own jokes, which maybe sounds narcissistic but why would I make a joke that I don’t find funny? I’m telling the joke but I don’t need others to laugh at it. It’s just a bonus if they do :D
I think being unapologetically yourself gets misunderstood sometimes because people hear “I don’t care what anyone thinks” and assume that means you don’t care about anyone.
I care a lot about people. I care about the people I love and I care if I hurt someone. I care about being understood. I just don’t care if people find me weird or embarrassing. I don’t expect to be liked by everyone.
You’re allowed to be weird. You’re allowed to say stupid stuff. You’re allowed to have greasy hair in public. You’re allowed to laugh at your own jokes. You’re allowed to be cringe like me :3
I would rather be unapologetically myself and hated than spend my entire life trying to be someone I’m not.